Trust The Process
These past few months have definitely been a true test of my strength. I’ve been through so many ups and downs with my anxiety; and I thought it was best that I hold back on posting until I could get a handle on things. Basically, I decided to take a hiatus. Lately, I’ve been in a consistently grounded mental space, so I feel like I can finally share my thoughts because it’s actually rooted in self-reflection, opposed to chaos.
The truth is, I’ve spent most of 2020 dealing with burn out and exhaustion due to being overly stressed out. It began due to a lack of being able to maintain an adequate work/life balance. Honestly, I didn’t even realize a few cancelled trips and events would have an effect on me the way it did, but here we are. Having a good work/life balance has been necessary for my mental health over the years. This is in large part due to me not necessarily achieving certain career goals for myself yet. Every job that I’ve worked post undergrad has taken me outside of my comfort zone in some way. I’m a naturally creative person, and the end goal is to make a career of it; however, all of the jobs I’ve had have been the opposite of creative. Thankfully, I’m a fast learner and can adapt to pretty much any circumstance; but, sometimes it gets draining. That’s where my work/life balance comes in to give me a boost of energy or inspire me. Something as simple as going to a broadway show or going to a concert could take my mind off of things and reinvigorate me after weeks of draining work. For a while, I was just going through the motions while trying to get a grasp on this new “normal” during the pandemic.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also had to deal with the sudden end of a two year relationship. This was a breakup that I didn’t see coming, and it sent me on an emotional roller coaster that seemed never-ending at first. Long story short, we were just on two totally different pages. Post breakup, this became increasingly evident; and it made it easier to accept, which has definitely played a big part in helping me move past it. Once I accepted the breakup for what it was, I had to work on dealing with the emotional turmoil that had affected me as a result.
Over time, I had gotten to the point where I was just completely overwhelmed dealing with the emotions from the breakup coupled with my exhaustion. Plus, my ongoing stress was starting to manifest itself physically, which was taking a toll on my body. In an attempt to try to disconnect for a bit, I did try planning a solo trip. I was going to drive down to the beach for a few days to clear my head. The week I was supposed to go, a hurricane hit so I had to push my dates back. Then the week that I rescheduled, I sprained my ankle. In the midst of me deciding if I still would be able to go due to my ankle, the resort ended up cancelling my reservation due to them having to undergo repairs from the hurricane damage. At that point, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I just couldn’t catch a break!
I had eventually come to the conclusion that God wanted me to be still. He wanted me to put all my trust in Him. I’ve been through situations in life where I questioned why something was happening or I was upset at certain circumstances, only to learn that God was redirecting my path and getting me in alignment for what was to come. In a time where I was letting all of this negativity consume me, I should have been falling back on my faith more. I was completely losing sight of myself and what makes me valuable. I knew I couldn’t keep letting myself go into a downward spiral, so I had to make some changes. Thankfully, I am in a much better place now. I’ve been feeling really optimistic about my future lately; and, I’ve been focusing on maintaining my peace.
Now, I’d be lying if I said that I no longer have my days where I struggle. I think anyone that deals with anxiety has those moments where it feels like everything is caving in; however, I’ve been working on managing it better. Most of the plans I had laid out for various aspects of my life pretty much unraveled right before my eyes this year; and so now, I’m definitely about to take some time to regroup before heading into the new year. If 2020 hasn’t taught us anything else, it’s that life as we know it can change in an instant. We have to live everyday like it’s our last. We have to know our worth, and never settle for less than we deserve. We have to cherish our loved ones. We have to prioritize our happiness; and when things start taking a turn, we have to rely heavily on our faith and trust the process!
Sincerely,
Carmen <3
